So, love. Some get to experience it. Most get to, anyway. I never thought of myself as being one who never experienced love. And then I fell in love. And now I'm painfully aware of how many people I did not love in the past.
But I've fallen into the unrequited category. It should be outlawed. The universe should not let your first love experience be unrequited. How can I feel so strongly about someone who claims he does not feel the same? Or doesn't know what he feels. How can you not know what you feel? Are you trying to be nice? Trying to protect me from the truth? And if that's so, then why do you hug me like you never want to let go? Or come up with clever ways to put your arm around me, touch your thigh against mine? Why do you send me conflicting messages?
I understand why women stay in abusive relationships. It is wrong. It is very very wrong, but I get it. I understand loving someone so much you'll forgive them for anything. When it comes down to it, it's your responsibility to take care of yourself. Respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself and stick to how you feel people should treat you, then other people will have the opportunity to disrespect you. So why is it so hard to stick to those rules?
My rule is that you love me and you show me that you love me. This is easy. It involves holding my hand, hugging me close, and being totally committed to me. So why am I able to let him go about his life as he peruses the market and sends me mixed signals and still love him? Or still be ready in an instant to let him back in if he wants to after finding no one else he likes?
As of right now I am not a fan of Love, and until further notice he and I will have a tumultuous relationship that will involve me pretending that he doesn't exist and him grabbing hold of my heart and squeezing for all he is worth. Grrrr.
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